Winter, Covid, and Little Joys

The pandemic has been undeniably hard. Winter is hard. Especially after the glitter and festivity of Christmas, at least for me is even harder. For many the the holidays themselves are difficult. Where normally home has been a cosy escape from the elements, a place of gathering and merriment, it feels now I am a ghost wandering the halls. I drift listlessly from room to room, searching for something unknown. Here I sit and embroider. There I wrestle with a bit of sewing. Joy has left many of my pursuits, and like many I feel I am without purpose no matter how desperately I have tried to find some.

I have been a stress-baker since my early teens. My parents could assess how quickly finals were approaching by the increasing presence of cakes, muffins, and biscuits piling up on the counters. If I couldn't sleep I would creep down the stares to get to work as quietly as I could. In college my baking subsided quite a bit as it was difficult to bake in the small shared dorm kitchen. I picked it back up once Matt and I moved into our own place here in Edinburgh, but without many my tools (in particular an electric mixer- stand or otherwise) I felt limited in what I could accomplish. This was compounded with my feelings about moving abroad and adjusting to life here. I immediately loved it, and I still do. I would live in Edinburgh forever if I could. But I had lived within about 30 miles all my life. It was an adjustment to move here, I felt isolated and it was (and still is at times) exhausting to always feel like a stranger. My accent announces me every time I open my mouth. And baking became somewhat of a struggle. So, after discussing for what had to be the 150th time how much we wanted a stand mixer a lightbulb went off in Matt's beautiful noggin. He stated that we did indeed have the money for a stand mixer, and that we could for a midrange model. We did not have to necessarily spring for a Kitchenaid or similar. So that is what we did. And it is glorious.

And while yes I still want a Kitchenaid someday (preferably in yellow, with one of those fancy ceramic bowls with the beautiful designs), my stand mixer has brought me so much joy. So many projects I had dreamed of were finally possible, all because we finally gave ourselves permission for a bit of joy. It feels a bit silly to say, but it feels like I have access to a part of me that has been locked away for awhile. Limiting circumstances can lead to great creativity and innovation, but other times limitations are just limitations. Having a stand mixer has not given me a sense of purpose and cured my gloom, but it has brought back some happiness into my baking.

Monday I will be posting a recipe for Vanilla Peppermint Meringues that are just little bites of heaven in celebration.